It's been a while, maybe even longer than that. I've wanted to just key-off a few different odds and ends and then I would stop mid-thought, mid-action,....mid-sentence. My inspiration of subjects, passion and motivation is not lacking; my focus is not centering on the thought at hand. This is all interrupted by one thing.
My life isn't over and I'm still healthy and employed and sheltered. My life is still shattered... And this isn't the first time. Only it is worse then the other events of misery, lose and confusion, it's all of them in one.
Only this time, an Obituary doesn't give any closure and the reason for the ending isn't so clear. This time, forgiveness is harder to find, and forgiveness is harder to reason with. Forgiveness may not be within me, for this event. This time...what's the plan?!*%#
Life is a trip, sometimes fantastic, sometimes not so much...As I blast Big Wreck "Wolves"(missed their concert too)... I cry, I smile, I want to break things....I want to leave. It's hard to hit a "Redo" button and scratch the plan...I cry now when I think how many times I've scratched the plan...or burned it. And that's why I have to do something, do anything....do this.
I've spent the last few months walking through most days and not always in a stellar manner. I'm late for work now, almost all the time. ( Used to be 15 mins early). Dirt on my unit...just a new color for the bucket (hahaha). I never have another better thought, doesn't matter now, does it. Life is really full of lessons and confusing people who misunderstand, misdirect and misuse and whoever does it best, WINS.
At 16, you might put your faith in your peers, your family (and maybe a beautiful child along the way)...then 10 years.
At 26, you know your family can turn on you, so your faith is in your peers who will always have your back and your first love with a second beautiful child (your first love leaves and then leaves life...grieve quickly as it makes others uncomfortable) ....then 10 more years.
At 36, you think maybe you should make your circle a little smaller and you happen to also just want that one special "Candy" the yummy you can't go without. You are going to put all your faith into that, your "Candy". You just changed your plan 4 times since you were born if you include when your parents were in control. So you hit the brakes ever so slight on that 4th plan...for a few years, then you make a new plan with that "Candy". Your new plan has you enjoying your "Candy" for a longtime, so long it almost might be...a Jawbreaker.
This 5th plan is going to be different though because it's PERMANENT....(only for some). I'm usually so careful in reading the fine print and between the lines. And I should have kept to plan 4 and let the chips lay where they may....back then...then 10 more years.
Here I be.. with my only regret...(why does it have to be this). It tears my focus so quickly just keying those words. My mind is still screaming...even now. (I really need to get this out and down...tried everything else and the brakes are still stuck. Which brings me to - Forgiveness, or lack of. How do you forgive betrayal of ultimate faith,,,? The closure in the near future is only a technical fix to a fraction of the damage. How do you rewrite the next 40-50 years that were "written in stone"?
I will not "get over this"...I didn't ask for this. I asked my "Candy" to be my "Candy" again after his hard times had lasted long enough ( 3 years). My partner, my friend, my soundboard, my focus, my heart didn't hear those words...nor did he hear the words he said to me... "You will be alone forever...enjoy. Karma says so." Again....WTF.
There isn't enough 'smoke' in this area to put me back to calm; to put me back to me; to stop the rest of the mess from playing out. I'm slowly erasing the moments and days that meant the most and finding a life of nothing left. And that's OK. It helps to make the pictures, cards and messages disappear...sometimes in flames..but not really. I can not forgive. And I'm not going to try anymore. It would drive me crazy to try and forgive somebody who vowed to be there through the worst and leave when it was going to go up for them. I was there through all of it (and fixed a huge percentage of it); sacrificed with no reward or advantage in exchange. I didn't walk or run when the opportunities and reasons kept coming from Day 1.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? WHAT A FINE HUMAN YOU ARE INDEED!!!!
(Why stomp me????)
I will not change the new plan for anything or anyone unless it's name is "Life's Plan". I'm watching myself becoming unlike myself and I'm not going to stop it.
No I will not forgive, but I will forget (as best as I can), for the rest of my life, that YOU ever happened. I will get my name back, I will try to straighten out the mangled parts and I will be somebody else but not US or what was US. That never happened.
(Slap) That was easy....
